“Anything you write in any format can change somebody…can scratch an opening in a scared up heart of a human being.”
This is why I blog. I don’t pretend that my words are more important or better written than anyone else’s, but I think that everyone’s words are valuable. If I believe this to be true, then I obviously need to write myself.
“The more we name our struggles, the more they are rendered powerless. We find relief. We begin to feel again.”
Getting ready to leave the country in the name of service is a struggle for me. But I find myself at a loss to describe why. Hopefully the next few quotes will explain.
“If you think that happiness means total peace, you will never be happy. Peace comes from the acceptance of the part of you that can never be at peace. It will always be in conflict. If you accept that, everything gets a lot better.” –Joss Whedons
Part of the problem (I think) is that I have this thing where I feel restless. A lot. Not restless in that I want to go anywhere or do anything. But the kind of restless where I don’t feel completely at peace. And it bothers me immensely. I really believe this is founded in the fact that this world is not my home. As a follower of Christ, my home is in a place of reconciliation that I do not see around me. I am broken, and I live in a broken world. But I seek to be whole. I seek the kingdom of God here and now.
Toska – noun /ˈtō-skə/ – Russian word roughly translated as sadness, melancholia, lugubriousness.
No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.
Toska….This is another way to describe that restlessness as I prepare for the unknown in Greece in a few days. Sometimes it’s really painful, sometimes a dull ache, sometimes just boredom.
“I am a work in progress.” — Violet Yates
This may be crucial to coming to terms with the restlessness–recognizing that it’s okay that I’m not home yet, that I’m not whole this side of heaven.
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33
I hope that you don’t read this and misunderstand me. I am very happy to be heading to Greece to serve in my King’s name, to love people, to learn, to explore. And there is deep peace in trusting that this is where I am supposed to go. But the restlessness is also very present. Moral of the story: He has overcome. And so I take heart in that knowledge.
Just some thoughts….Lord, make sense of them. Use them for your glory.