I prayed for this child. I still do! But oh, how I prayed for this child before he was born. And now? Sometimes I think I was crazy for wanting to do this.
Being a mom is so hard. My reasons:
- My job hasn’t stopped–I haven’t been able to step away from it for more than half an hour or so since I started having consistent contractions at 3:30 am on June 20th.
- People want to help, but sometimes being around people throws off the tiny bit of routine we’re trying to establish. Or people want to help but don’t know how to do that, and teaching them isn’t always worth the time.
- Breastfeeding. This child wants food, needs food, and I am that food. He doesn’t want food just at certain predictable times (every 3 hours, for example). He wants food when he’s hungry (like all of us!) which could mean 4 mini-meals in 3 hours, or could mean a blessed 4 hour stretch where he sleeps and isn’t hungry!! And breastfeeding also means that I am constantly wondering if he is eating enough because I can’t see how much he is taking in!
- Related to #3–because I am constantly feeding the cute child, I rarely think about feeding myself! Supper time is my least favorite time lately. 5 o’clock rolls around and the thought that I don’t have anything prepared or any meat thawed to use for cooking is so frustrating to me. And the thought of eating out is frustrating, too, because of the financial cost and the stress of taking the always-hungry child out to a public place.
- Sleep. Sometimes I go days without feeling tired, but I still wish I had more sleep. I can’t help but keep track of the hours of sleep I get each night–sometimes in 1 hour chunks and occasionally in 3 hour stretches. Getting up at night and then falling back to sleep has never bothered me, but getting up, feeding and diapering Charles, rocking and swaddling him, and then trying to get him to fall asleep for what could be hours in the middle of the night does bother me.
Being a mom is so hard, but it is also getting easier. How I know this?
- The first time I gave Charles a bath, or gave him his vitamin D drops, or changed his diaper–I did it with 2 other people and it was still messy. Now I do this regularly by myself and don’t think twice about it.
- Going out of the house–I was so stressed about going anywhere and figuring out where I could change diapers and breastfeed comfortably, whether or not he would start crying and bother others, etc. during those first 2 weeks. Now I have taken him out and about many times by myself or with others and my confidence is increasing daily.
- I can enjoy his awake times more now. At first, I just wanted him to always sleep so that I could also sleep, or eat, or shower, or do any number of other things. But now I am starting to enjoy the times when he is awake and alert and we can have tummy time or play together.
Just some thoughts on this stage of life….